


Let it be over

by TheIceQueen



Series: Fear and brotherhood [5]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Awesome Conor Maynard, Awkward Conversations, Awkwardness, Bathing/Washing, Bathtubs, Brotherly Love, Caretaking, Conor is a Hero, Crying, Doctors & Physicians, Eating, Emotions, Enemas, Fear, Feelings, Flashbacks, Heavy Angst, Holding Hands, Hugging, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Going to Hell, I'm Sorry, I'm a horrible person, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Insomnia, Jack is brave, Laughter, Maynard-moments, Medical, Medical Examination, Medical Procedures, Medical Trauma, Needles, Nervousness, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pain, Panic, Past Sexual Abuse, Phobias, Poor Jack, Secrets, Sobbing, Sort Of, Talking, Vomiting, Worry, kind of, like a lot, talk about past trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-07
Updated: 2018-04-21
Packaged: 2019-04-19 16:12:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14241030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheIceQueen/pseuds/TheIceQueen
Summary: Conor travels home to London because something's up with Jack.He realizes that the assault that happened over two years ago still have a hold on his little brother and in this case he's not able to shake it on his own. Jack needs Conor to help him through treatment for something that may be related to the rape.





	1. Overreaction

Conor was wringing his hands in his lap. The last hours had giving him time enough to think over and memorize the conversation he’d had with Joe, over the phone, this morning.

_“I don’t mean to scare you, but I think something’s up with Jack.”_

That was exactly how to scare the older Maynard and it didn’t help that he could hear Joe trying not to sound nervous.

“What do you mean? Is he ill?

_“I didn’t think so at first, he was just acting funny, like he didn’t really want me there, but didn’t say anything. But…”_

“But what? Come on Joe, should I come home?”

_“I don’t think it’s that bad, but he looked like he had a fever this morning and he just told me off when I asked. Conor, I could be overreacting here, but he looked nervous.”_

Two hours later Conor was on a plane from LA to London, normally he would have been able to sleep during the ten-hour flight but this time his head was going a thousand miles an hour and wouldn’t let him relax. The uber pulled up to Jack’s building, silently and fast he paid and went in with his duffle bag over his shoulder. He hadn’t taken a lot of time to pack for this trip.

* * *

“What are you doing here?”

Jack looked confused and maybe a little shocked to see his brother at his doorstep.

“So, you’re not happy to see me at all?” Conor pushed Jack’s shoulder to squeeze by him, he could swear that Jack was radiating heat, and kicked off his shoes before he dropped his bag just inside the door to the living room.

Jack followed him, obviously still a bit shook by the sudden visitor. “Of course, but I thought you were working… you know, in LA.”

“I was…” Conor let himself drop down in the big couch. “… I had a few days off and decided that I would come see your ugly face.”

“That’s a lot of traveling for a couple of days.” Jack joined his brother and sat down on the other wing of the couch. “Is everything okay?”

Conor wanted to tell Jack everything but he knew that it most likely would get him kicked out, besides, Jack didn’t look as bad as he had feared. Yes, he was sporting a slight shine to his forehead and his eyes looked like he hadn’t been sleeping, maybe a bit bloodshot even, but nothing to make Conor worry all that much.

“Everything is fine, just felt like a change of scenery for a few days would be good.” He wondered how many of these lame ass excuses he could get away with and decided to change the subject. “You don’t look all that fit though, are you coming down with something?”

Jack looked down, only for a second, but it was enough to make Conor believe that Jack was holding something back, even before he spoke. “I’m good. It’s just a slight cold, hope it’ll pass over night.”

Conor nodded and let it pass for now. “You want something to eat before you turn in? You don’t look so hot yourself.” It was around eight pm, which meant that it was noon in LA and with Joe’s call coming in just before midnight, he hadn’t slept since the morning before. Conor turned down the offer and left Jack on the couch by himself while getting ready for sleep. He sent Joe a quick message before he got into bed. Sleep came easily, it he’d been nervous all the way here, he’d imagined all the things that could have been wrong and probably some that couldn’t as well.


	2. Flashback

The next morning Conor was up early, just over ten hours of sleep had done him good. Jack was in the bathroom, so he decided to wait with a shower till after breakfast, he was starving anyway.

When Conor had made breakfast with toast, bacon and eggs for both of them, and Jack was still in the bathroom, he had to go knock on the door.

“Jack. You alright in there?”

Conor could hear Jack move around and knock something over.

“Shit.” Jack sounded angry and tired.

“Jack?”

“Hold your horses. Just give me a second.” Conor’s stomach sunk, and suddenly he couldn’t care less about eating. He’d noticed the tone in Jack’s voice. He hadn’t heard it in over two years, last time was after Jack was assaulted and had to go to the bathroom for the first time after. He’d been nervous enough that his hands were shaking when he closed the door after him, but still too embarrassed to talk about any of it. Conor wanted to help so bad but had no idea what to do. He felt the same helplessness rush over him and he felt sick to his stomach.

“Take your time. I can wait.”

The door opened, and Jack came out. He didn’t make eye contact, but no one was supposed to do that when meeting in the door to the bathroom. Conor contemplated waiting till he was sure, but the added shine to Jack’s face and neck along with the obviously strained breathing, made him jump right in.

“Jack, wait up.” Conor turned Jack by the shoulder to look at him. “You’re not all right, are you?”

Jack lifted his glaze just to make eye contact for a second, then he stared at his feet and shook his head. “It’s just a fever.”

Conor didn’t believe him. He could feel Jack slightly shaking, so he put his other hand on him and held him by the shoulders. “Then, why the hell are you so scared?”

Jack froze. Conor thought he’d stopped breathing for a second.

“Jack, c’mon, I can see it. You’re not okay.”

Jack looked up again and this time he was able to look at his brother longer. “Joe called you. Right?”

Conor nodded. “He’s worried about you, and now that I’ve come here, I am too.”

“I’m not scared. It’s just a fever.” Jack pulled himself from Conor.

On the way to the couch he eyeballed the food already plated for him in the kitchen. Conor brought their food over and sat down too. Jack started eating, quietly. Conor didn’t eat. He just looked at Jack. He didn’t know how to continue, but he couldn’t just go back to believing that nothing was wrong.

“Jack. You need to tell me what is going on, so I can help.”

Jack stopped eating and put the plate next to Conor’s on the coffee table. “You shouldn’t have to help.” Conor saw the shock in Jack’s eyes when he realized that he just admitted that something was going on. “I mean, I can do this on my own… It’s nothing really.” Jack must have realized that he was digging himself further down the hole, because suddenly, he shot up from the couch. “It’s just a cold!”

The door to Jack’s room slammed hard, and Conor sat in silence for a moment, before deciding to follow. He knocked two times at the door with no answer, before slowly opening it and sticking his head trough the crack. Jack was on his bed with his back against the door and Conor didn’t know how to approach, so he started off with a whisper.

“Jack?”

No answer but Conor noticed the frame of his brother shaking slightly, then there was a sniffle.

“Jack.” Conor spoke loudly now, he could hear the shock in his own voice. It seemed like only two steppes had brought him to the opposite side of the bed. He kneeled down to face his brother.

“Jack. Talk to me. You’re scaring me.”

Jack was looking at his own hands holding the bed-cover all crumpled up in front of him. Conor wasn’t sure what to do, he wanted to hug Jack but was afraid to trigger something from the past, he hadn’t seen Jack like this in so long. He was nervous about something. Conor settled with placing his hand on top of his brother’s.

“Jack… please.”

Jack took a deeper breath and shifted a bit. “I… I think something’s wrong.”

Conor figured as much but what and why would it freak Jack out like this? “What do you mean _wrong_? Do you need a doctor?”

Jack withdrew himself a bit from Conor and looked away. “No.”

“Jack?”

“Maybe.”

Conor put his other hand in Jack’s hair and it repulsed him to realized that this was the exact same position they had been in, when Conor had found Jack hurt and near catatonic in his dressing room.

“It’s okay Jack. We’ve got this. You've come so far.”

It was true. Jack’s fear of hospitals and doctors and everything that came along with it, had developed into a full-on phobia, but he’d gotten better at handling it. Just two months ago Joe had driven him to a check up before a vacation, and even though Joe had described him as pale enough to see through, he’d gone through with it on his own without panicking.

Jack looked deep in thought and didn’t answer. Maybe this wasn’t just a relapse.

“I’ll go with you if you want me to.”

Jack still didn’t answer. Conor rubbed Jack’s lover arm with his thumb a few times.

“Jack. What is freaking you out?” Conor swallowed. He really hoped this wasn’t what he thought. “Do you need me to call Annie?”

Annie was their friend and the doctor that happened to be there when they found Jack after the attack. After he was healed up Jack had only met her briefly a couple of times, and never really spoke about her.

Jack pulled his knees up higher and his head down. He looked like he was trying to escape from the world. He sniffled and Conor noticed a tear rolling over his brother’s nose, and finally he nodded.

Conor took a deep breath to steady himself before he spoke. “Okay. Hang in there. I’ll go grab my phone and I’ll be right back.”

Walking to the kitchen, Conor was sure he was going to be sick. Annie was the only doctor who really knew about the extent of the assault and the recovery. If Jack wanted her there it had to be because it was related. Could and injury show it self after so long, or... no, he didn’t dare think the thought.

* * *

With Conor living overseas and Annie and Adam living in London it had been a while since Conor had talked to her. She was surprised to hear from him at first, but when she realized that Jack had asked for her, it had sounded like she had literally dropped everything.

Conor had unlocked the door and told her to come straight in. He was back in the same position holding Jack’s hand. It was mostly quiet. Jack was not crying, he just laid there, nodding every time Conor would get too worried and ask him if he was still with him.

Conor heard Annie in the hallway and looked up, but Jack didn’t seem to notice before he herd her walking into the bed room. He tensed his body and squeezed Conor’s hand. Conor brushed through his hair and smiled calmly at him. Annie came over and Conor once again had a flashback to the dressing room. If he’d seen it Jack would too soon, if not already.

“Jack. Can you sit up?” Jack looked pleased with the request, leading Conor to believe that he’d already noticed. He let go of Conor and pushed himself up to rest his back against the headboard. He was able to move with no problems and apart from the fever he didn’t look that bad.

Conor looked at Annie for help.

“Hey, Jack. I see you have a slight fever. Nothing to be alarmed about. Anything else troubling you?”

Jack pulled his knees up and looked at his hands in his lap. Silence spread over the room.

“Jack. Why did you want me to come?”

Jack bit his lover lip and looked at her, then at Conor.

Conor got the feeling that this was too much for Jack to handle and that he’d be able to ask Annie to help him if his big brother wasn’t in the room.

“Do you want to talk to Annie alone?” Jack looked confused for a split second. “It’s okay. I’ll be right outside.”

He nodded, and Conor went to wait in the hall. The look of sadness and fear on Jack’s face before Conor had closed the door was too much to handle. He remembered last time he was outside a room where Jack was alone with a doctor. Conor didn’t have time to sit before he had to run to the bathroom. Not much came up, his stomach was almost empty to begin with. He looked himself in the mirror before heading back to sit out side the door.

He had to get it together. This wasn’t the same thing. This was not going to start all over. Jack was _not_ going through all of that again.

* * *

It felt like hours, but Conor’s watch told him that it had only been ten minutes when the muffled voices behind the door became silent and Annie came out to join him.

Conor shot up and looked at her, waiting to give him some answers.

“I think you should be the one talking to him.”

Conor was confused. He wasn’t a doctor.

“What does that mean? He’s okay, isn’t he…? Did… did…” Conor forced himself to think the thought he’d suppressed for hours now, because he had to know. “…did something happen to him again?”

Conor’s voice cracked and he felt his eyes burning. Annie grabbed his face with both hands and made him look at her.

“No! Conor listen. Nothing has happened.”

Conor looked from eye to eye, trying to find deceive but there wasn’t any.

“You sure?”

“Completely.” She let go of him and took a step back. “Now listen. He’s told me what is going on, but he won’t let me touch him. I can’t examine him, not to talk about treating him if he needs it.”

Conor wasn’t surprised that Jack had reacted like that. He had seen the way he was even before she came, but why now? He was doing so much better.

“What is wrong with him?”

“He told me that he has been bleeding when he uses the toilet. I think he has a tear in the lining of his anal canal. It would fit with the pain he describes and if it’s inflamed if could account for the fever too.”

Conor didn’t know that to say. He knew that they had gone trough a lot these last few years, but this might cross the line as far a personal space goes.

“Conor.” The boy looked at the doctor. “Jack told me it was okay to tell you all of that. It makes me believe that he needs _you_. I know it’s a lot to put on you, but I don’t think that we’ll get anywhere unless you talk to him first.”

Conor wanted to talk to Jack. He wanted to make him feel better and he didn’t care about the intimate medical stuff if Jack didn’t. He just didn’t know how to. Two years ago, he had barely held it together and he knew that all he’d done was out of instinct. Now, Jack was counting on him to get him through this, but all Conor could think, when he walked in the room seeing Jack sitting in the bed crying, was how much he wanted to wrap his baby-brother up in the blankets and hold him from the world till he was okay again.


	3. First step

Conor took a deep breath and rushed to his younger brother’s side. If he couldn’t say the right things at least he could be there physically and show Jack that he wasn’t leaving. Conor crawled up on the far side of the bed from Jack and sat close to him.

“Jack. It’ll be okay.” He put a hand on Jack’s shoulder and Jack all but threw himself in Conor’s arms. His silent crying got stronger and soon he was sobbing. Conor cradled the back of Jack’s head with his hand while rubbing him slowly but firm on his back with the other.

“Shhh, Jack. Come down… Breathe for a second… It’s okay.”

Conor continued to try and calm his shaking brother for a few minutes before taking his head in both hands and looking him straight in the eyes.

“Jack. You are strong. Remember all you’ve been through.” Jack looked horrified, like images flashed before his eyes.

“Listen. It’s not about what have happened to you. It’s about what you’ve been able to handle and get through.”

Jack silenced and froze in his brother’s gaze. Only the heavy breathing was moving his body slightly.

“Do you hear me?” Conor was still not sure this was the right way. He never really was about anything when it came to Jack’s fear, but he was not going to give up, ever.

Jack finally nodded slightly and then a silent tear rolled down his already wet and blushed cheek. He looked down at his hands now in his own lap. “Did she tell you everything?”

Conor wasn’t sure he’d gotten the whole story, but Annie had told him enough to let him understand why Jack was so freaked out. “She told me enough. Look, I know you’re scared but you can do this, and I’ll be right here, if you want.”

Jack looked up at Conor, but embarrassment pulled his eyes away. “I… I mean… You…”

“You mean I don’t have to, right?” Jack nodded and let loos a couple of more tears. Conor lifted his brother’s head by the cheek and brushed away the tears with his thumb. “I know. But if you need it, I will.”

Jack looked into Conor’s eyes, and Conor gave him the time to find the words he needed.

“I think I need it.”

“Deal.” Conor smiled. “I won’t leave your side unless you kick me out.” The corner of Jack’s mouth twitched a bit and Conor took that as an almost-smile.

Conor was relieved that Jack had agreed, there was only one thing worse than knowing that Jack was hurting or scared, and that was to know that and not be able to at least try and help.

“But, Conor…” Jack looked down again. “… what if I black out? Like at the hospital.” Jack was still but Conor could hear his voice trembling. “I can’t go through that again.”

“And you won’t. You haven’t done that since that day.” Conor knew why Jack was scared. He’d told him about the flashbacks he’d had when he blacked out. Not in too many details but enough to make Conor understand that it was more than just a memory. The fear and pain had been real. “Jack. Listen to reason, please. Think of all the hours with the counselor and all the time that have passed, where you’ve only gotten better. You are not at that place anymore.”

It took almost fifteen more minutes for Jack to calm down enough for Conor to be convinced it wouldn’t start all over when Annie came back in.

Conor walked to the door to invite the doctor inside. Before he opened it, he turned to Jack. “You can do this. One step at a time, don’t think too far ahead, we don’t know what this is yet.” Conor wasn’t sure if it was a nod he saw or if he only imagined Jack moving.

“One step at a time. Jack, say it.”

“One step at a time.” Conor would have liked the words to have been louder and with more determination, but there was definitely a nod this time.

* * *

Annie had come in and shared a silent look with Conor, and Conor had made sure he was by Jack’s side before she came to that part of the room. She went in the other direction to pick up her bag from earlier and, only after Conor had given her a look of confirmation and a small nod, she came over.

She placed her bag on the floor next to Jack’s side of the bed and kneeled down, so she was at eye level with the boys. Jack wasn’t saying anything or moving. He just sat still with his hands wringing themselves in his lap, Conor’s arm tight around his shoulders and his eyes following the doctors every move.

“Okay...” Annie paused as Jack withdrew himself towards Conor, by the word. Conor nodded for her to carry on. “Jack. We need to figure out what exactly is going on, so I will have to take a look. I told you about that before. Remember?”

Jack was frozen, starring at her. Conor rubbed his shoulder a bit to try and shake him out of it.

“Jack?”

Jack looked at his older brother, and his blank face and red eyes made Conor’s heart break. Conor tried swallowing the lump in his throat, but only managed to whisper. “It’s okay.”

Jack looked back at Annie and to Conor’s surprise he nodded.

With a little guiding from Annie, Conor got him and Jack situated face to face on the bed. Jack with his back against Annie, even though he kept turning back to see where she was or what she was doing.

“Jack. Look at me. Here, hold my hand.” Conor grabbed Jack’s hand and Jack squeezed Conor’s with both of his.

“I’ll tell you before I do anything, okay Jack?”

Jack nodded and looked like he tried to control his breathing and relax. “Good. Just breathe for now.” Conor rubbed his free hand on Jack’s side to try and calm him just little. Then they heard Annie put on gloves and as soon as she was behind Jack he stopped breathing all together. Conor looked at him. He was looking straight into his older brother’s eyes, with eyes wide open. Pure panic was setting in. Conor moved his hand to rest on Jack’s cheek and with his thumb, he rubbed small circles on his younger brother’s temple.

“Breathe Jack, you can do this.”

Jack blinked and took a deep breath and Conor once again nodded to Annie to get this over with.

“Jack. I’m just moving the cover and pulling your pants down a bit. Nothing more right now.”

Conor kept looking Jack in the eyes, and as if Jack could hear Conor’s mind telling him to, he kept concentrating on his breathing.

“I’m spreading your cheeks, just to look at first. Keep breathing, you’re doing great.”

Conor felt Jack tense a bit more, but nothing else happened. Conor was on high alert, waiting for his brother to panic or lose it at any given time, but right now the room was quiet. Only their breaths could be heard, Jack’s the loudest but they were all there. Conor couldn’t see Annie. He was lying down as Jack’s mirror image and could only see his little brother’s eyes, telling him that he was scared but currently managing to at least stay in contact.

“It looks like you have a small tear, we need to treat that, but it should heal just fine.”

Jack’s eyes widened again, and his breathing got slightly faster. Conor moved his head just half an inch closer to Jack’s. Just enough to make sure Jack was paying attention to what he was whispering. “One step at a time, Jack. Let’s worry about it when we know what it means.”

“One step at a time.” It sounded like Jack was mostly whispering for himself, but at least Conor knew he’d heard him.

“I need to examine internally. I’ll feel inside with a finger to find out how long the tear is.”

Jack didn’t move but his breathing speed up. Conor accepted that as a normal reaction, and when Annie’s head appeared over Jack he nodded for her to go on.

Jack shivered and then he squeezed his eyes shot and bend his neck, so he pressed his forehead on Conor’s and his own hands on the mattress between them.

“Jack?” Conor was talking out loud now. He didn’t have the link with the eyes anymore.

“I’m still here.”

“I know that. I told you, that wouldn’t happen. I just… does it hurt?”

Jack shook his head, and Conor believed him. His voice had been ragged, but breathing like that and crying as he had been earlier would do that. He’d sounded oddly in control of himself.

“You’re doing great.” Conor was feeling proud of his little brother. He was dealing.

“Jack.” For the first time that day, Conor detected the smallest hint of worry in Annie’s voice. “I need you to relax.”

“I am.” Jack answered fast, but it almost sounded like a question.

“Try a bit more.”

Jack took a deep breath and as he let it our Conor even felt Jack’s hand’s loosening around his.

“Jack. Just take a deep breath more and try to relax.”

“I am.” This time it wasn’t a question. He was sure. Annie must have heard the change in voice too.

“Okay. I believe you. Could you do something else for me? Try and squeeze around my finger.”

Jack’s whole body tensed, his hands around Conor’s were shaking.

“Good, Jack. Now just relax.”

Jack cried out piercingly and heart wrenching. He stretched his entire body and for a second, he was stiff as a board. Then he curled up and grabbed Conor’s t-shirt with one hand and onto his shoulder with the other. He was crying uncontrollably and pulling himself to Conor’s chest. Conor wrapped his arms around his hurt and trembling brother.

“I got you. Shh… I got you.” He held his brother tight as he kept on crying. Conor rested his chin on Jack’s shoulder and looked at Annie. She’d stepped back and looked both startled and like she wasn’t surprised at all. “What the hell did you do?!”

Annie shook her head and indicated that she hadn’t done anything that they didn’t knew about first. Conor turned his attention back to Jack who still seemed to try and crawl away from something. “Shh. I got you. Lay still, it’s over.”

Jack shook his head and indicated that he was still in pain. Conor squeezed him tighter.

“I got you.”

When Conor was having migraines the only thing Jack could say that would help was “I got you.” Jack had taken all the things that was too much away; where to go, how to move, that the puke wouldn’t go everywhere, when to sleep and drink. He couldn’t take the pain, but he took all but that, and Conor could focus on just breathing. Now he couldn’t think of anything else to say to Jack.

Conor kept talking and as the crying quieted, whispering to Jack. "Shh, Jack. Breathe, I got you."

When Jack was still enough that Conor could move he reached down and placed the cover back over Jack’s body. It seemed to help him relax some more. Annie had kept her distance and hadn’t said anything. She’d moved to the other side of the room though, so she was in Jack’s line of sight.

Still holding Jack tight, face against chest, Conor brushed his hand through Jack’s hair. “Does it still hurt?”

Jack shook his head and Conor decided that now would be a good time to get some answers. “Annie. What the hell?”

Annie pulled a chair over to sit at the food-end of the bed. Conor was pleased that Jack wouldn’t feel threatened, but also that he himself could see her now. “The tear isn’t that long and it’s easily treatable. However, his muscle is tight, to the point where it’s spasming. It’s called stenosis…”

“Save the medical stuff. Please just tell me what just happened. Tell me that you didn’t do something he wasn’t ready for.”

Conor couldn’t believe that Annie would do that, but the reaction had come out of nowhere and Jack clearly hadn’t seen it coming.

“Conor. Of course, I didn’t. I would never. It was the muscle spasming when I withdrew my finger. This probably isn’t the first time it has happened.”

Conor looked down at Jack. He pushed them a part just enough that he could see the empty and tired eyes looking at him from a wet face. “Jack?”

Jack’s lover lip shivered, and he nodded. Conor sat up with his back against the headboard and invited Jack to do the same. His younger brother hesitated but eventually pulled himself up to lean against Conor’s side. Still protected with his older brother’s arm around his shoulders.

Annie leaned forward and put her elbows on her knees. “Jack when did this start? The pain and the spasms?”

Jack spoke quietly, like he didn’t want Conor to hear. “It’s been three months.”

Conor did hear it, and it hit him like a kick to the stomach. So long? He looked at Jack. “That kind of pain? for three months?”

Jack nodded. “Yes… but not every day.”

Conor wanted to cry.

“Jack. When did the bleeding start?” Annie didn’t look as worried as Conor thought the situation called for.

“It’s only been like two weeks.”

Conor needed to get something clarified too. “And the fever. When did that start? Joe only noticed yesterday morning.”

“I don’t know.” Jack looked away. Maybe Conor had sounded like he was mad or disappointed at Jack. That he hadn’t told. But he wasn’t, he was just sad that Jack had gone through this for so long, and it was catching up to Conor just how scared Jack must have been to do that without telling anyone.

Annie helped Jack out. “Jack. You don’t have an infection and it didn’t seem inflamed. I’m sure that you’re hot from dealing with the pain, and trying to stay under covers, because you’ve found that it’s easier to relax when you’re warm. I don’t think you have a fever.”

Conor felt Jack relax and he felt it easier to the same. For a moment he was content with just sitting there in silence and holding Jack close. Then it dawned on him that he probably was the one who had to speak.

“So… what’s the next step?”

Jack lifted his head from Conor’s shoulder, but stayed calm. Conor rubbed his ubber arm, to try and tell him that he would make good of his promise and stay.

“Let’s check your temperature first to be sure and then I’ll need to make a call. I need to figure out if I can help you here or we have to go to the clinic.”

Jack grabbed on to Conor’s t-shirt as if he were trying to take hold on his heart. “It’s all good. Jack. One step. The thermometer you can handle.”

Annie handed Conor the thermometer and Conor placed it in Jack’s mouth. Jack didn’t look like he’d stopped thinking about the clinic, but he laid his head back down on Conor’s shoulder in silence.

Annie pulled her phone out of her bag and left the room. Half a minute later Conor checked the thermometer. “Your temperature is normal, at least not high enough to count as a fever.”

Conor tried smiling at his brother, but Jack was looking at the closed bedroom door, like he was expected the devil himself to come in.

“Do you want me to go and talk to her?”

Jack drew a sigh of relief. “Please.”

“Okay. You sure you want me to know everything?”

Jack moved to sit on his own, letting Conor have his arm back. “I’m sure. Can you just please…” He trailed off.

“What Jack?”

“I promise I’ll try to keep them separated and deal with one at a time, but I need to know all the steps.”

Conor swallowed and took a deep breath while he brushed his hand through Jack’s hair once more. “Okay. It’s a deal. Just try and relax right now. No need to worry about what you don’t know.”

Jack nodded and Conor left the room in silence. Leaving Jack sitting small and curled up in the bed clutching the cover over his bent knees.


	4. Not fair

Jack was in the same position when Conor came back in the room, but he visibly relaxed when Conor closed the door to the hallway, letting Jack know that Annie had already left. Conor pulled the chair to the side of the bed and sat down. Jack was silently following his older brother’s every move, but Conor was pleased to see that he’d calmed his breathing down almost to normal. He hated to be the one who had to change that.

“How are you holding up?”

“Okay, I guess.” Jack’s voice was small but not threatened by the promise of tears anymore. “What did she say?”

Conor bit his lover lip and then decided that the questions could come before explaining. “She needed me to ask you something, we figured that she didn’t actually had to be here for that.”

“Okay?” Jack’s forehead and eyebrows frowned into a curious but apprehensive look.

Conor took a second to gather himself, shake the awkwardness about the question and to choose the words carefully. “She needs to know how your visits to the toilet has been the last month. Have you done anything to make it easier?”

Jack looked at Conor for what seemed like forever before his face showed more shock than confusion and he shook his head. “I haven’t done anything crazy or weird.”

“That’s not what I meant.” Maybe he hadn’t chosen quite the right words. “Have you changed what you normally eat or taken some supplements or medicine?”

Jack relaxed back against the headboard and nodded. “Yeah, when it started to… well, hurt.” Jack looked down as if he still thought Conor was mad because he hadn't told. “I googled and changed to more fiber and drank more water and…”

Conor waited but Jack didn’t continue. “and what Jack? It’s okay, c’mon.”

“I got something over the counter to make it easier.”

“Okay. That’s fine. I would probably have done the same. One more thing; when did you last… you know?”

Jack folded his hands in his lap, he was clearly as uncomfortable about this as Conor. “This morning.”

“I’ll text Annie.” Conor got up and went for the dresser to get his phone.

“Conor. Tell me what she's going to do to me.”

Conor’s stomach sank, it wasn’t how to fix it or how he would get better, Jack made it sound like he was going to be tortured. Conor turned and sent Jack a smile he didn’t really think he got away with. “Just a sec.”

He sent the text and sat down again, there was no way around this now. He whished that Annie was there, but he knew that Jack would be able to handle it better if she waited till he had gotten over the first shock. And it would be a shock.

“Okay, bro. Listen up.” Conor tried his best to make it sound like this was nothing and that Jack wouldn’t freak in a minute. “Annie can do everything here. She’s coming back tonight. The first thing you’ll have to do is an enema.”

Jack’s face went white, he looked investigative at his brother, but Conor didn’t let him doubt the words he’d just said. It almost seemed as a tremor at first, but the small shake of Jack’s head was not to be misunderstood. “N… no. Conor.”

“You’ll be fine. It’s not that bad, she told me everything. It won’t hurt at all.” Conor took one of Jack’s hands when they started to fiddle more uncontrollably with the edge of the bed-cover. “You won’t poop for a day after that. It’s necessary for the treatment.”

Jack’s eyes widened, and he tried to pull his hand back, but Conor didn’t let him. “The… the enema isn’t the treatment?”

Conor shook his head. “No. Annie confirmed right now on text that you’ll only need one thing, nothing else, since you’ve already tried the other things yourself.”

Jack’s breathing got faster. Stalling wasn’t working. Conor had to tell him one way or the other, and he shouldn’t wait till Jack had made something worse up in his head, and he’d had to say it all before Jack freaked. He looked at his little brother and held his hand with both of his.

“You’ll need injections. Down there, in the muscle.” Jack’s breathing got faster, and his eyes started to unfocus. “It will paralyze it enough that you wont get spasms anymore. She’ll do the first two tonight and then come back tomorrow.”

Jack’s hand was limp in Conor’s and his eyes were flickering over his legs as he couldn’t find a safe place to look. He looked like he was trying to control his breathing, he really did, but to no avail. It got faster and shallow.

“Jack. Breathe.” Conor moved to the edge of the bed to reach Jack’s other hand and get face to face with his brother. “Just breathe for now, okay? You’re okay now. One step.”

Jack looked up. When he squeezed Conor’s hand the older Maynard was able to breathe normal himself. “One step?”

“One step. Jack. You can handle the first step.”

“Enema?” Jack looked on the verge of tears, but he was calming down just a little and most importantly, he was reachable.

“No.” Conor smiled. “That’s later. Annie said that it would be good after the spasm you had, to get a bath. A warm one. Think you can handle that?”

Jack nodded, and relaxed a bit, but Conor could see the terror lurking right behind his eyes. This was going to be a long wait for both of them.

After a few minutes of coaching Jack almost back to a normal breathing, Conor left to get the bath ready. When Jack appeared in the door he almost seemed okay, worried but not in danger of panicking.

“Will you be okay in here?”

Jack nodded and gestured for Conor to leave, he pushed the door after him, but to Conor’s surprise and relief he left it open just an inch.

* * *

An hour later Conor estimated that the water had do be cold by now and as he hasn’t heard anything from the bathroom, he went to check on Jack.

He knocked lightly on the door pushing it a little in the prosses. “You okay in there?”

No answer.

“Jack?”

Still nothing. Conor suddenly got a bad feeling.

“Jack, I’m coming in.”

He opened the door and looked to the bathtub. Jack was sitting completely still, maybe shaking slightly. His head was turned away from the door, but Conor could see his eyes were open.

“Jack?”

Conor forgot all about the nakedness of the situation and rushed to sit in the edge. Jack still didn’t answer. Conor toughed the hand lying on the edge of the tub. “Dammit Jack, you’re freezing.”

Conor grabbed the chin of his brother and turned his head. Jack didn’t look at anything, but he blinked and with that a few tears ran over his face and added a more stripes to his cheeks.

“Okay, that’s it. We need to get you warmed up.” Conor reached between Jack’s feet and pulled out the plug. The water started running out of the tub, and Conor reached for the showerhead and turned it on, warm.

Jack didn’t react at first, but as the cold surrounding left him and he felt the warm water pouring on him, he shifted and Conor had to put his arm under Jack's to keep him seated upright.

“Jack. You with me?”

For the first time that day Conor had doubts as to where Jack’s mind was.

“Jack. Talk to me.”

“I’m here.” It was only a whisper, and Conor was sure it had taken every bit of determination Jack could conjure up to find those two words and Conor appreciated it.

“Good. It’s okay. You’ll be just fine. I won’t leave you again.”

They sat there for a few more minutes before Conor was satisfied that Jack was warm again. They worked in unison to get Jack out of the bath and dry. Jack didn’t talk but he did everything himself so Conor only had to remind him of the next thing he had to do. Conor walked a towel-wrapped zombie-like Jack back to his room. He placed him seated on the bed and found a pair of boxers, a t-shirt and some sweatpants for his brother and, moving like he was in a trance, Jack put it on.

When Jack was done he sat back down on the edge of the bed. He placed his hands in his lap and looked at the floor. No words, no more tears.

Conor’s heart was crumbling in his chest as he looked at his younger brother. Why did this had to happen? Hadn’t they been trough enough? Hadn’t Jack been through enough? Conor sat down next to Jack and placed a hand on one of Jack’s.

“Jack. Tell me what’s going on in there.”

If Jack hadn’t bit the inside of his lover lip, Conor wouldn’t know if he’d even heard him.

“Jack. Please.”

Jack swallowed and took a breath in through his nose and let it out through his mouth. Conor recognized it as a technique Jack had learned when he first started with the counselor, Jack had done it a lot in the beginning, when things got to hard to handle or talk about.

“Take your time.” Conor rubbed big, slow circles on Jack’s back.

“Did… did this…?”

“It’s okay. Take your time. Find the words.”

Jack looked harder at the floor as if the words would magically appear on the carpet. He took a controlled breath again and continued.

“Did he…” He breathed again. Conor knew where this was going, he’d asked Annie that question himself. “Conor. Did he do this to me?” Jack looked at Conor. “Is this because I got raped?”

Conor’s eyes started burning, looking into the already wet eyes of his little brother. “Annie couldn’t say for sure. It might be that you were more likely to get this because of it, but no one knows.”

Conor wiped a tear from Jack’s cheek. Jack tried the controlled breathing again, but not quite as successful. “It doesn’t matter Jack. It’ll be over soon.”

Jack gave up on the breathing and gave in to the tears as he hugged his older brother. Conor held the back of Jack’s head as he pushed his face in the crease of Conor’s neck.

“It’s not fair.”

Conor’s eyes let lose a tear each. “I know. It it’s not.”


	5. Proud

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack and Conor cross yet another line to get Jack through this.

Jack had slept for almost three hours and Conor was beginning to think that he couldn’t have gotten that much sleep last night. Conor was in a chair in the corner, he hadn’t thought of leaving the room even once. He’d promised Jack that he’d stay, and he would. Jack shifted position a few times and then stretched his entire body.

“You awake?” Conor spoke quietly, not to startle Jack. It didn’t quite work. Jack sat up, looking confused and then reality sat in, he pushed himself against the headboard and pulled his legs close. “I’m up.”

The light from the screen in Conor’s hand must have alerted Jack that Conor was using his phone. “Is it her?”

“No.” Conor smiled. “It’s Joe. He asked how you’re doing.”

It took a few seconds before Jack seemed to remember that Joe had called Conor in the first place. “What did you say?”

Conor came to sit on the chair next to the bed. “I just wrote that it isn’t anything dangerous and that we’re handling it.”

Jack looked like he didn’t believe him, so he gave him the phone. The message was just that, and the only thing Joe had asked was that they would call if they needed him for something. Jack gave Conor his phone back. “I can’t believe he was okay with such a vague answer.”

Conor was surprised at first too, but then again Joe might have thought that it had been private, and he must have drawn the conclusion that it had to do with the phobia and he knew by now that the best thing he could do was just to be available.

“I know. Joe is curious at nature.” Conor sent a crooked smile to Jack, and almost got one back. “I guess he realized that it was personal and that, when he knew that you’d be fine, everything else wasn’t important unless you wanted to tell later.”

Jack looked at Conor and this time there was definitely a smile. “I really don’t.”

Jack wanted to do it himself, but Conor wouldn’t have it and demanded that he stayed put while Conor got his brother something to drink. When he came back Jack nodded at the phone on the dresser. “I think Joe had changed his mind. You’ve got a text.”

Conor handed Jack the Coke and read the text.

“So, what does he want? You’re not saying it’s okay to come over.” Jack was smiling at his own words while taking a sip of the pop. Conor wanted it to stay that way, but it was ending he knew. He tried his best to talk as casual as possible.

“It’s Annie. She’s on her way over.”

Jack froze. His face went blank and his eyes suddenly didn’t look at anything. Conor sat on the side of the bed, took the still open Coke-bottle from Jack’s hands and placed a hand on his brother’s knee.

“It will be over before you know it.” Conor knew that was a lie, Jack would be painfully aware of everything, he would be scared, and it would feel like an eternity.

“Jack. Look at me.” Jack did. “You’ll do just fine. One step at a time. Okay?”

“Enema?”

Conor noticed his brother’s lover lip quivering. “That’s a big one. Baby steps, bro. Let Annie explain first. There’re lots of different kinds of enemas, I’m sure.”

Jack repeated “baby steps” a few times and managed to hold the tears at bay.

* * *

Five minutes later the doorbell rang, and Jack recoiled back against the headboard and pulled the cover to his chest. Conor squeezed Jack’s shoulder before leaving his side to let the doctor in.

“Hey Jack. You’re looking better. A bath and some sleep did you good.” Annie walked straight to the chair next to the bed and put her bag down next to her. “I understand Conor told you what we’re going to do, but I’ll explain more in detail if you want.”

Jack nodded, still holding on for dear life to the cover. Conor wondered how much of that agreement was because of need for explanation and how much was for stalling.

“The enema won’t hurt. It’s a small plastic tube, it’s smaller than my finger. There’s a little balloon on it, I’ll press air into, so it won’t fall out.” Conor crawled up next to Jack, taking his hand as he saw it starting to shake. “It’s not going in longer than my finger was before, and the balloon won’t press the muscle. The water will be almost the same temperature as your body, so nothing cold or hot okay?”

Annie waited for the boy between them to catch up and answer. Eventually he did. “It won’t hurt?”

“No, Jack.” Annie smiled. “Listen, it’s best to do this in the bathroom. Can you do that? You need to go to the toilet after.”

“I… I don’t. I haven’t eaten since breakfast.” Jack’s eyes were wide open as he looked at Conor. He grabbed Conor’s hand tight. “Conor, tell her, I almost didn’t eat anything.”

It was true, but Conor didn’t think it would change Annie’s mind. “Hey. Hey. Calm down. Why does this freak you out? Is it the toilet?”

Jack shook his head then he stilled. “I… “

“Jack, c’mon. Were past the embarrassing part here, right? Do you want me to stay outside?”

“No!”

The response startled Conor and he immediately felt sorry for asking. “Sorry, man. I promised I won’t leave. Okay? And I won’t, not until you say so. If it’s not that, then what?”

“I know it will hurt.” Jack’s voice cracked but he still held the tears back. Conor looked at Annie for help.

“Jack. Listen. There’s something in the water that will make everything as fluent as water. You just have to sit there and relax. I promise it _won’t_ hurt.”

“Did you her that?” Conor was making sure Jack was looking at him until he nodded. “Okay, no more delay, let’s get this over with.”

Ten minutes, spent with Conor rubbing Jack’s shoulder and telling him to breathe, went by before Annie announced that she was ready in the bathroom. Conor got up and pulled Jack along with him. Jack walked slowly, and Conor wondered how far down the hall they would get before he’d stop and run back under the cover, but he didn’t stop. Not until the door. Jack and Conor took in the sight of the small room. Annie was kneeling down next to a piece of plastic spread out on the floor. There were two pillows, one clearly for his head to rest on. On what looked like an IV-stand, a big plastic bag with a clear fluid was hanging, there was a long rubber tube hanging from it. Conor was reassured with how clean and professional it all looked but knew that the sight had the exact opposite effect on Jack.

“It’ll be fine. Take off your trousers and lay down here.” Annie gestured at the pillow furthest from her. Conor placed a flat hand on Jack’s lover back and pushed him gently. Jack took a few steps forward and then turned to look at Conor. Conor nodded for him to go on and in silence Jack turned around again and pulled down the sweat pants, and for the first time since the stiches came out, Conor saw the long scares on the back of his thighs.

Conor gasped. Loudly. He realized immediately what he’d done when Jack looked at him shocked. “What?”

“Nothing, Jack I’m sorry.”

“What is it? Conor, I’m freaking out here. Tell me what happened.” Jack was losing it, wild eyes, shaking hands and the rest totally frozen still with the trousers around his ankles. Conor didn’t have the time to make anything up.

“I’m sorry Jack, I shouldn’t have reacted like that. I just… I haven’t seen your…” Conor looked at Jack’s legs. Jack’s eyes followed, and he nodded.

“It weird. I forget them every day. Then when I see them…” Jack looked at Conor, then he took a deep breath like he was hauling himself back to reality. At least that’s what Conor chose to believe. “To be honest I’m not that bothered by them anymore.”

Conor felt his heart settling back to the normal rhythm, normal for that day anyway. “I’m glad. Jack. That’s good.” He took a deep breath. All this took way to long for Jack, he was sure. “Okay, lie down.”

Conor watched Jack’s calm disappear. He got it. Dealing with how you look everyday is different from setting your self up for reexperiencing the worst day of your life. Conor was still confident that Jack wouldn’t have flashbacks, Jack was stronger than he knew, but he could see that Jack still feared it would happen.

Jack got down on his side, he shivered as his bare legs toughed the plastic, but Annie quickly pulled a blanket over him. Conor made a mental note to thank Annie later for choosing an ugly green and blue checkered blanket instead of the typical red or light blue that they used in ambulances and hospitals. Conor made sure the pillow was making Jack a bit more comfortable and with a bit of guiding from Annie and a lot of breathing-coaching from Conor they managed to get Jack out of his boxers and placed the second pillow between his bent knees. Conor sat down in front of Jack, while making sure he could still see the open door.

“You good?” Conor noticed Jack’s breathing speeding again and held on to his shoulder.

“No. Not even close.” Jack wasn’t joking. His voice was small and timid.

“You’ll be okay. Just breathe and keep talking with me.”

Jack nodded and when Annie folded the blanket away from his rear and announced that she was putting on cloves he grabbed on to Conor’s hand.

“I’m right here. I got you.”

“I’m going to touch you now. Take a deep breathe.” Conor could see Annie holding the lube-covered plastic thing at the end of the rubber tube and placing her other hand on Jack’s one cheek. He turned to Jack and as his little brother tensed, instinct sat in again. He brushed his free hand through Jack’s hair and kept it there, massaging his scalp with his fingers.

Jack closed his eyes and a tear fell to the pillow. “It’s okay Jack. You’re safe.”

Conor heard the sound of air moving through a tight space and Jack’s eyelids squeezed tight and so did his hands around Conor’s.

“Shh. Breathe. You’re okay.” Conor watched Jack relax his muscles bit by bit after Annie had let go and covered him up with the blanket again.

“I’m starting the water. It will feel weird and maybe a bit uncomfortable. Sometimes it helps rubbing your stomach, but if it gets too much, let me know, and we’ll take a break, okay?”

Jack nodded so vaguely that only Conor noticed and he sent it on to Annie.

Jack jolted at first but quickly got back to lying still and concentrating on breathing. Conor kept massaging his scalp, and his eyes stayed closed. After a minute or so he started making small noises of discomfort. Small sharp breaths at first but soon he was drawing in big gulps of air and not taking his time to let it out again.

“Jack talk to me. Does it hurt.” Conor tried to stay calm for his brother, but he hated not being able to take this from him.

Jack shook his head. “N… no. It’s just…” He took a few deep breaths more and moved a hand to his stomach. “It’s tight. I don’t like it.”

Annie moved closer to his back. “Let me help you.” She moved her hand under Jack’s and rubbed his belly slowly. Jack opened his eyes and Conor was met by confusion and fear, but he let Annie do her thing.

“You’re doing great Jack.” Conor wasn’t lying. He was sad for his brother, but so unbelievably proud of him for accepting that he needed this and doing it without shutting down completely. “I know this sucks, but you’re handling it.”

Jack held on almost a minute more like that before he started to shift and try to move. “Jack. Lay still. You okay?”

“No. It’s… it’s…” Jack moved grabbed Annie’s wrist and lifted her hand away from his stomach. “I can’t.”

Conor took his hand from Jack’s hear and placed it in Jack’s hand in stead of Annie’s. He looked at the doctor. “Can we take a break?”

“Already turned it off Jack. You’re almost done. We’ll take a break before the last bit.”

Jack’s lip quivered again and this time he looked at Conor with big blue begging eyes filled with tears. Conor placed Jack’s hand back with the other on Conor’s, slowly losing color, and brushed away a few tears from his brother’s face before returning to massaging his head.

“Shh… Breathe now. Take the break and try to calm down a bit. Does it hurt?”

“No.”

“Good. That’s good. Just calm your breathing and try to lay still.”

Eventually Jack stilled, and Annie must have thought the break had been long enough. “Jack, I’m turning it back on, it’s going to be a bit slower this time.”

“Wait.” Jack’s voice was small but cut through the room and demanded attention.

“What is it sweetie?”

Annie didn’t use names of affection like that. Conor had only heard her use that word once before. She called him that when Conor lost all his marbles and had a panic attack outside Jack’s room at the hospital.

Jack tried to turn his head to look at the doctor, but he had to settle with her hand on his shoulder. “I can’t. It’s too much.”

“Jack. I know it feels that way, but there isn’t that much left, honestly, under half a minute.”

Jack rested his head back on the pillow and closed his eyes. Conor was sure he’d given up the bargaining.

“Annie…?” Conor didn’t think he’d ever heard his brother say her name before.

“What do you need?”

“Can you rub my belly again?”

“Sure thing. Let’s get this over with.”

She turned on the water and started massaging his stomach. Jack was squirming under her hand and his head was boring into the pillow under Conor’s.

“Do you want me to stop?” Conor wondered if it all was too much toughing at once.

Jack was pressing the air out through his teeth and only managed a sharp whisper.

“N.n.no. Don’t leave.”

“Jack. I’m here. I got you. I’ll always be right here.” Conor got closer to his brother hoping he could sense it even with his eyes shut. “I’m here. You’re safe.”

Jack squeezed Conor’s hand even more and pulled up his knees and then stretched his legs back down. Annie placed a hand on his thigh, maybe to indicate that he should try and calm down, but it didn’t happen. She looked up at the bag and smiled.

“Jack. No more. That was all of it.”

Jack was still bending and stretching his legs and now trying to lie on his back. Conor held on to his shoulder to steady him.

“Jack? Did you hear that? It’s over, no more water.”

Jack nodded still with his eyes closed. He was clearly highly uncomfortable.

Conor looked up at Annie. She’d told him that he had to stay with it in for a while, but he couldn’t remember how long and most of all he just whished for her to tell them that the time was already gone. She had disconnected the tube from the thing, Conor would imagine was still in Jack, and now she’d started packing up. He finally got her attention, and she tapped her arm wrist and showed all ten fingers. Ten minutes! It was too long.

Jack was still holding on to Conor’s hand with both of his, but he’d stopped moving, except from his legs slowly stretching now and again. Conor laid down in front of him, accepting a pillow from Annie, and rubbed his temple just like earlier that day. Moments later, Jack opened his eyes and locked eye contact with his brother.

“Thanks.” Jack’s voice was raw and almost just air and could hardly be considered a voice.

“It’s all good.”

“Conor the next step…”

“Jack, not now, you still have a few more minutes to go here. We’ll think about it after the water is out.” Conor understood that the injections sounded terrifying, and he couldn’t stop Jack from thinking about it, but he had to delay the possible panic till thins was over.

“No. The next… the toilet.”

Oh, Jack was thinking baby steps, just like he’d told him to. “What about it? Annie said it wouldn’t hurt.”

Jack looked away. “You should leave.”

“Jack?! I’m not leaving you. No way!”

Conor was shocked, but honestly, he got it. They’d crossed multiple lines of intimacy and privacy, and most of them had been on Jack, but Jack’s reaction earlier, when Conor had asked if he should leave, made him fight to stay. Jack had been scared, hell Conor knew he _was_ scared that it would hurt, no matter how many doctors would tell him it wouldn’t.

Jack let go of Conor’s hand. “You can’t see that.”

“Jack if you truly want me to leave, I will, but I’m okay staying. Listen, I’m in this. Whether you believe it or not, I’m okay with it. We’ll be okay.”

“You sure?”

“I’m sure.” Conor grabbed Jack’s hand again and Jack looked at him and nodded.

* * *

As the ten minutes were almost up Jack started tensing to the point where he was shaking slightly.

“Jack? You okay?”

“I’m done. Enough.”

Jack started to get up and Annie, who had clearly heard the change in tone, came rushing in.

“Jack, you can walk a little, it’ll be good, but you have to wait just a little longer to let it out.”

“I… need to move.” Jack scrambled himself up on all four and Conor took it upon himself to help him the rest of the way up, while Annie held the blanket around him.

Jack moaned and grunted from the obvious discomfort the moving water brought him. He slowly gained his footing and grabbed on to the blanket himself.

“I… I…”

“Take your time, you’re all winded.” Conor pulled Jack’s arm over his own shoulders and held on tight around his back. “Let me help. You just need a second.”

Jack nodded and did as told, but he didn’t seem to get much better.

“I… I can’t. No more.”

Annie took Jack’s hand. Under two minutes. Try and walk a bit, it might ease some tension.”

It was mostly Conor who did the walking while Jack pleaded for it to be over and Annie trying her best to comfort him. It seemed that the breathing got a bit easier for Jack though, but he was still clearly tensed up when Annie told him to stand with his back to the toilet.

For the first time in three minutes Jack was completely silent. Conor turned his head to get contact with Jack. From the look on Jack’s face, Conor could have sworn that he was getting ready to jolt from the room, that’s if he wasn’t holding up most of Jack’s weight.

“Jack. It’s over.”

Jack only nodded, not really looking at anything.

“I’m deflating the balloon and taking it out. You need to hold the water yourself till you’re sitting. Jack? Do you hear me?”

“Jack?” Conor was standing in front of Jack now. Holding him by the shoulders. He was standing on his own, but pale as a sheet. “Jack? Answer me?”

“I heard you.” Jack looked scared. He sounded scared.

“Well. You have to answer then.” Conor smiled. “C’mon. Let’s get this done so you can lie down.”

The sound of air moving came back and Conor held Jack up in an awkward hug, when his knees gave a little, but he quickly got back to standing on his own. Annie got up and helped with getting the blanket situated around Jack as he sat down.

Nothing happened.

“Jack you need to relax, it’s only water.” Annie squatted down next to him. When Jack shook his head, she looked at Conor and gestured him to come over.

Conor was standing a few steps away. Jack had been insecure about this whole thing, and basically, he was about to see his little brother take a dump. When is that ever okay?

Jack looked at Annie and then followed her line of sight to Conor. The look of fear and helplessness in Jack’s eyes answered the question. Now. It’s okay right now.

“It’s okay Jack, you have to trust Annie.” Conor squatted down on the other side of Jack and put a hand on his upper back. “She told you the enema wouldn’t hurt, and it didn’t, right?”

Jack shook his head.

“Okay, she told you this wouldn’t hurt either, so relax for just a second and try.”

Jack looked at his white fingers crushing his knees. Breathing in through his nose and slowly out through his mouth, and again. Then the sound of water dripping into water filled the room. A few seconds later it was more than just a drip and Jack’s hands loosened and allowed his fingers to get back to a normal color again.

It took some time to get it all out. The water had stopped a few times, but Annie said that he should just relax, and it would all come out eventually, he didn’t have to press unless he wanted it done faster. Jack didn’t. When both Annie and Jack were confident there was no more water, Jack flushed the toilet before he got up.

He had to take a shower and as he said, he wasn’t sick, not really, he could manage that on his own. Conor had gone along with it, on one condition; He would be right outside with the door slightly open and Jack would answer when he talked to him. Jack had smiled and agreed.


	6. Both of us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lot of angst (one long Maynard-moment)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I've read notes on other stories, saying "I made my self cry" I never got it. You can't make yourself cry with something you made up. That's until I had to take a break from writhing this chapter because I couldn't see the screen. I stand corrected, and I apologize.

Jack had put on the t-shirt and sweatpants again. He didn’t say anything when he came out from the bathroom, he just went along with Conor as he put a hand on his shoulder and walked towards Jack’s room. Jack’s breathing got faster and before they were at the door he had to stop to get it under control. Conor watched his shaking-little brother hunched over with his hands on his knees, gasping for air. He squatted down in front of Jack and held his shoulders.

“Jack?”

Jack just shook his head and gasped.

“C’mon Jack. In through the nose, remember?”

“It’s… It’s not… working.”

Jack was shaking so hard now that Conor had to make his grip on his shoulder count, so he wouldn’t fall over. Annie came out in the hallway, but Conor waved at her to go back in the room and she did. Jack was panicking, he’d seen it before, hell, he’d done it himself once. Jack had done it more than once in the beginning and Conor knew how to help by now.

“Come. Sit down.” Conor spoke calm but made sure everything was clear. He stood up and held Jack under his arms as he moved the shaking boy to the floor. Jack wasn’t helping, it didn’t even seem like he noticed what was going on. He got Jack seated, cross-legged on the floor, in the middle of the narrow room and sat down in front of him, holding both of his hands.

“Jack, you’re panicking. Breathe.”

Jack’s eyes stared empty through Conor’s torso and his hands were shaking in Conor’s.

“I’m here Jack. It’s Conor. I’m right here. Breathe.”

“C… Con…”

“Don’t speak. I’m here. Breathe.” Conor was sure that if Jack had tried to say more, he would pass out.

Jack took what almost seemed like a deep breath, but it came out ragged, and the next was a heaving gasp, followed by tears.

“Jack. I’m holding your hands. C’mon. Squeeze my hands.” Conor squeezed Jack’s hands to follow up his statement and was relieved that Jack retaliated.

“Good. Jack. Now breathe through your nose.”

Jack tried. Conor saw how hard Jack was working to get it all back under control. This was not a way to delay or get around what was going to happen, Jack was scared, and he couldn’t help reacting like this. This was scary too. No control over his body, Conor remembered it clearly, it could spiral out of control in a second.

“Great Jack. You’re doing it. Now deeper and slower.”

Jack followed and slowly but steady he got enough control to make eye-contact with Conor with an almost relived look to on his face.

“Hey, good to have you back. Hold on for a sec. Keep breathing.” Still holding one of Jack’s hands Conor got his back against the wall and turned Jack to sit between his legs. “Relax. I got you.”

Jack leaned back heavy on Conor’s chest and let his legs lie crooked and limp on the floor. Conor grabbed Jack’s other hand again and they sat there for minutes before Jack’s breathing was slow and steady, then he started crying silently.

“Hey, hey. Jack.” Conor hugged his brother tight. “You’re okay.”

“Conor. I can’t. Don’t make me.” Jack pulled his knees up and pressed his side against Conor’s upper body. “I can’t do needles. I just can’t.”

“I know this is hard on you. I know, but you have to. It will make the spasms go away.”

Jack pressed his face to Conor’s chest and Conor cradled his head while rubbing Jack’s arm with the other hand.

“Shh. Jack. Take your time, we’re not in a hurry here.” Conor knew that this might take some time, but he also knew that Jack wouldn’t draw this out for too long, he hated being scared almost as much as he hated doctors and everything that came along with them.

Five minutes later Jack was calm. Still holding on to Conor, but not too tight, still crying, but his breathing was slow and steady. Conor brushed a hand all the way down Jack’s back and shifted slightly to indicate that it was time to move. Jack looked startled at Conor, but the older brother only smiled and nodded. They got up slowly and when Conor was sure Jack was steady enough to be walking, he wrapped an arm around him and started moving towards the room where Annie had been waiting for quite some time now.

* * *

The pale and wet-faced younger Maynard, cradled in his brother’s arms froze one step into the room. The bedroom looked like itself, not all set up like the bathroom earlier, the only thing to see was a small towel on the side of the bed and a tray on the nightstand covered with a light blue cloth. Then there was the doctor of course, she was in the chair in the corner but stood up as the boys entered. She came over slowly and Conor felt Jack tense up. When she put her hand on his shoulder Jack’s breathing spiked again.

“Hey. Look at me.” Conor turned Jack’s head towards him. “Breathe. You’ve got this.”

Jack took a deep breath and even though his entire body was still tensed up, he was able to follow them to the bed.

“You don’t need to take of your trousers, I’ll just pull them down a little like this morning.” Annie smiled, but Conor noticed hesitation in her voice, she was probably choosing every word carefully. “You have to be on your knees, but you can lie down on a pillow.”

Jack looked confused and Conor kinda was too.

“Come let me show you.”

Jack took a step back and Conor tightened the grip around him, which resulted in Jack looking even more scared and grabbing Conor’s wrist. “Hey. I’m not forcing you over there. In your time, okay?”

Jack nodded and let go.

“Jack. One step at a time. Get on the bed first.” Jack shook his head in small jolts and was staring at Annie like she would jump him any minute now. “You heard her. You don’t have to take anything of right now.”

Conor knew, that Jack was painfully aware of, that for every step he took he would get closer to the injections but having to figure everything out at once had often proven to be too much for his younger brother. This way he would be able to understand everything, bit by bit. Of course, he had to trust that everyone involved would wait for him to get ready each and every time he had to take a break.

“Jack.” Conor stood in front of Jack. Blocking his view of the bed. “I’ll help you. Annie will wait till you’re ready.”

Jack looked over Conor’s shoulder to the doctor and her look must have confirmed Conor’s statement, because Jack took a step towards Conor.

With Conor never letting go of Jack’s hand and Annie only telling them what to do, Jack got situated on the towel. Standing on his knees with his feet over the side of the bed, Annie told him to sit down, all the way to his feet, and then lay his torso down on his thigs and the pillow Conor had given him and was already clutched between his arms and chest. When Jack hesitated, Conor climbed in to sit on his heels in the middle of the bed, placing himself so Jack could rest his head on his knees. With a little pull in his hand from Conor, Jack complied and laid down. There wasn’t much room for breathing or moving around, but for a second Jack seemed secure in the position. Conor realized that Jack always pulled his knees to his chin to make himself small and protected when he was nervous. Again, he made sure to remember, to thank Annie for noticing that.

Annie made sure Jack saw the sheet before she covered his body with it. “You okay like that?”

Jack looked for something to focus on. Conor brushed through his hair and Jack settled for something across the room. Then he nodded slightly.

“I’m folding up the sheet. You tell me when it’s okay to remove your pants.” Annie sat on a chair behind Jack and as soon as she touched him, he gasped.

“Shh.” Conor threw all the tough-guy-brother-stuff out the window, he had to commit to making this work. “I got you, baby-brother.”

He rubbed big circles on Jack’s back and felt his breathing slowing down, a little but not enough, for the hundredth time that day. “Tell us when you’re ready.”

Conor herd a sniffle before he realized that Jack’s breathing, even though it was slow, belonged to somebody crying.

Conor hunched his back as far as he could to get close to his ear. “Shh. Jack.” He rubbed his back slower and firmer and waited for Jack to unravel completely, but it didn’t happen.

“Okay.” Jack didn’t try to hide the crying in his voice and it hurt Conor physically to not be able to pick him up and carry him away. He nodded at Annie with tears in his eyes and she pulled down Jack’s pants.

“Jack I’ll disinfect first. It’ll be a little cold. I won’t do anything else before you tell me to, just like before.” Jack nodded.

When the cold disinfectant touched him, he jumped, and Conor instinctively held on to his back and head. Jack settled down, but the crying was getting to the point where his breathing was making a high pitch wheezing sound.

Conor wrapped himself down over Jack’s head. “Shh. Jack. It’s okay. I got you.”

Jack was sobbing now.

“You’re doing so great. Jack, talk to me.”

Jack’s arm made its way out from under the pillow and Conor pulled his from Jack’s hair and grabbed it tight, rested on the mattress in front of Jack’s face. Jack took a deep breath and Conor waited for him to speak.

“I’m scared.”

Conor’s eyes betrayed him and let out the tears he’d been holding back for so long. “I know baby-bro. It’s okay to be scared.”

“I can’t do this. Conor, I can’t.” Jack was getting frantic, and Conor was amazed that he was still laying so still.

“I know it feels like that. Just breathe for a minute.” Conor was having difficulties hiding his own crying from his brother. Jack couldn’t see his face, but he must be able to hear it on his voice soon. It didn’t matter, though. He wasn’t going to stop talking to Jack. “That’s it you’re doing great.”

Annie was still on the chair, Conor saw her putting on cloves and, careful not to make nay noise, getting something ready, he could only presume was the needle. Jack didn’t seem to hear any of it, he had enough to concentrate on. He was having trouble getting in air between sniffles and sobs.

Conor sniffled himself and stopped the rubbing on Jack’s back to hold him around the shoulders. “Jack. You’re so brave. My little-brother. I’m proud of you.”

Jack gasped a few times. It seemed like he was getting everything back in order, just to talk a little.

“Conor?”

“I’m here Jack. Don’t you worry. I’m right here.”

“Are… Are you crying?”

Conor froze for a second and held his breath. Then he hugged Jack tighter. “I hate seeing you like this, but don’t worry about me.”

Jack surprised Conor with a long deep determined breath. His body stopped shaking and he just laid there crying silently again.

Conor was relieved that Jack had calmed down, but this worried him. Was he okay? It wasn’t even a real whisper that came out of his mouth, only slightly louder than a breath. “Jack?”

Jack squeezed Conor’s hand and nodded and Conor gave him more time to gather himself. Conor was able to stop crying while watching his brother slowly do the same. The room felt silent, except for the occasional sniffle or small gasp from Jack. The breaks between them got longer and soon it seemed like Jack stopped crying too.

Conor sat op and started rubbing up and down Jack’s spine. Then Jack nodded. Conor stopped for a second. “You ready?”

Conor’s stomach hurt, if he’d asked too soon he could very well have started all of this over again, but Jack nodded.

“Okay. Just hold still. I’m here.” Connor looked at Annie who moved closer.

“Don’t be afraid to move a little, just go slow. I will too.” She put a hand on one cheek and Jack gasped.

Conor immediately turned all his attention back to his brother. “Squeeze my hand.”

Jack crushed Conor’s hand, and Conor let him. He shut his eyes tight and clenched his jaw. Conor felt every muscle in his brother tensing and Jack started to shake.

“You’re doing great, sweetie. It’ will sting now, try and breathe.”

Jack let out a loud cry and shifted to get his other arm free, Conor felt a hand grabbing on to his thigh under Jack’s chest.

“It’s over soon. You’re doing so good.” Conor felt helpless, just rubbing Jack’s back, not being able to make it better.

“One more, and it’s over.” Annie waited for Jack to catch his breath.

“Jack, let’s get it done, now.” Conor was aware that he was basically begging his brother to do this, but he was sure it would be the best thing for Jack.

Jack nodded but cried loudly and was shaking again. Conor managed to hold it together, this wasn’t about him.

When the needle went in the second time, Jack didn’t react. Apart from kicking Annie and running away he couldn’t really do anything more than he was.

“I’m going to inject it now then it’s over.”

Jack tightened his grips on Conor and turned his head and pressed his face into Conor’s stomach. Conor moved his hand from the back and cradled his head.

Annie moved away, and before she could announce that it was over, Jack let go of Conor’s hand and reached back to pull the sheet over him. He tilted to his side and just laid there. Face against his brother’s tearstained t-shirt and knees to his chest.

“I’ll be in the living room if you need me.” And with that Annie was gone. Conor appreciated that she didn’t try to help in other ways than the medical stuff. As much as Jack trusted her and appreciated her help, Conor knew that when he was panicking he wasn’t able to trust any doctor.

* * *

The older brother moved to stretch his legs. Jack stiffened and tightened his grip on Conor’s thigh. Conor pulled him back op to lie on his lap. “Shh. Jack. I’m staying here.”

Jack had pulled his pants up and was now lying limp on the bed and his head rested heavy on Conor. He was breathing slowly and deep, but tears were still falling from his eyes.

“It’s over. Jack. You know that, right?”

Jack nodded and closed his eyes.

For how long the sat there before Jack spoke again, Conor didn’t know, but when he did he’d stopped crying.

“Is she still here?” Conor didn’t detect fear in his brother’s voice, but he sounded like he was almost sleeping.

“She’s in the living room. I’ll go talk to her later.”

“I’m okay. You go talk to her now.”

“Listen, I understand that you want her to leave, but it’s over. I’ll talk to her when you’re sleeping. She not coming in here more today.”

Jack froze. He must have realized that this was going to happen all over again tomorrow. He sat up, looking straight into Conor’s eyes.

“Tomorrow.”

“Jack you need sleep, you’re exhausted. It’ll seem easier when you’re rested. You know what it is now.”

Jack didn’t move or take his terrified eyed from Conor before Conor took him by the shoulder’s and got him laid down. Jack got situated rolled up with the cover to his chin and hand’s holding it from the inside. Conor sat on the chair next to him.

“I’m staying till you’re sleeping.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I really do. Not just for your sake.”

Jack nodded and closed his eyes but, before he fell asleep, he opened them and looked at Conor. All four times, Conor whispered. “I’m right here.”

Eventually Conor observed Jack’s body relaxing completely and his torso moving slow and steady, as the air filled his lungs in a calm rhythm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sick. I know. Just hope there are people out there as screwed up as me.


	7. Sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lot of feelings, talking and eating pancakes.   
> Jack and Conor set some things straight and Conor get some help too.

Almost an hour went by, from Annie withdrew to the living room, till Conor showed up in the door.

“Is he sleeping?”

Conor nodded. He felt an urgent need to sleep, cry or throw up, none of which was stronger than the other, so he just stood there.

Annie hugged him tight. “You need sleep too.” Then she pulled one of her bags over her shoulder. “Listen. Jack’s anxiety might get worse with a long day leading up till evening. It might be easier on him if I come the morning after.”

Conor looked at the doctor. Thinking the proposal over. Jack would most definitely be looking at his watch all day tomorrow if she were to come in the evening. It would be better if he could sleep almost up till the repeat-procedure. If he could sleep.

“Okay. I think you’re right.”

Conor followed Annie to the door and stole a gaze into Jack’s room as they walked by. He was calmly sleeping.

“Will you be okay?” Annie looked at Conor while putting on her jacket.

“He’s stronger than he thinks. We’ll be fine.”

“Conor.” She turned on the doormat and looked him in the eyes. “Are _you_ okay?”

Conor felt his eyes burning and a lump forming in his throat. He looked down and nodded. Annie put a hand on his forearm. “Okay. Call me if you need anything.”

Conor nodded again and they closed the door with a hand on each their own side. Conor turned around and leaned his back against the door. A tear rolled down his cheek. He was too tired to move or even think about going to bed. The day had been crazy, and he hadn’t had any time to stop and process. They both needed tomorrow off, and he was grateful that Annie had thought of that. They needed time before having to deal with the needles again.

The thought of Jack having to go through that all over again, pushed the crying to the back of his mind as another urgent need took over. He ran to the bathroom and only just managed to open the lid on the toilet before emptying what little food there was in him.

* * *

“You look like crap.”

“Well good morning to you too, sunshine.” Conor put down the pan with the bacon and handed Jack a glass of orange juice. “You’re up early.”

Jack sat down at the table. “It’s kinda hard to sleep with all that noise you’re making. What’s with the mixer?”

“Pancakes, of course.” He presented a big stack from the oven, where he’d placed them to keep warm.

“You didn’t sleep at all, did you?”

Conor brought the last things to the table. “It doesn’t take all night to make pancakes.”

Jack poured a cup of coffee and pulled a pancake to his plate, clearly hungry. “I saw blanket, you’ve been in the chair in my room all night. Tell me I’m wrong.”

Jack wasn’t wrong. Conor had gone to bed at first, but he had been sure he could hear Jack and he couldn’t convince himself otherwise. He kept listening, listening for sniffles or sounds of nightmares, at one point he was sure he’d heart Jack pacing the floor in his room. When Conor had checked in on Jack, who was sound asleep, for the fifth time he decided that he might as well stay in the chair. That still hadn’t provided any sleep, but it had eased his worry significantly.

“I couldn’t sleep. Is it creeping you out?”

“Kinda.” Jack nodded but smiled at his brother. “But thanks.”

Conor took a sip of the fourth cup of coffee he’d had in the last two hours.

“I forgot to tell you something.” Conor didn’t try to hide the sound of happy news in his voice. Jack looked a bit startled anyway. “Annie offered to wait till tomorrow morning to come back. You get all of today off.”

Jack didn’t look up but Conor convinced himself that his younger brother’s shoulders sank just a little.

They didn’t talk about the day before or what to come, the first half of the day. Even though there was a lot of quiet time, almost awkward silence at times, Conor figured that as long as Jack was seemingly okay he didn’t want to start anything, it would come soon enough, he was sure. Around noon they made a plate of left-over-breakfast each and sat down in the couch. The awkward silence was thick and Conor could see Jack thinking, but still he didn’t challenge it. No need to rush. Finally, Jack broke silence.

“Conor?”

“Hmm hm.” Conor had just bit of a piece of bacon.

“Can I ask you something.” Jack’s voice got quieter for every word.

Conor swallowed and looked at his brother who was holding his plate on his lap, looking down right in the middle of it.

“Sure. What is it?”

“Are you…“ Jack stopped biting his lip as he didn’t want to say the next word.

“Am I what? Jack what’s eating at you?” Conor put his plate on the coffee table and turned in the couch to face Jack, but Jack wasn’t moving.

“Are you angry that I didn’t call you?”

Conor had assumed that Jack had been thinking it, but to hear it said out loud still shocked him.

“No.” His voice was firm, and Jack flinched when he took away his plate and grabbed his hand. “Jack, relax. Look at me.”

Jack looked at his hand in Conor’s. He didn’t move.

“Jack. You need to listen to me now.” Conor grabbed Jack’s other hand. “Are you listening?”

Jack gave a small nod and Conor continued with a steady voice, not looking away just incase Jack would look up.

“I’m not mad. I’m not disappointed. You were scared. I get it. But you never have to be scared of me… or Joe. Do you understand?”

Jack didn’t move.

“As soon as you realize that I’ll never be angry with you for being scared, it will be easier to ask for help. If you need me to come home or if you just need to run something by me. I’m not angry. Okay?”

Jack nodded but stayed still. Conor wasn’t quite convinced that the message had sunk in.

“Okay?”

“Okay.” Jack looked up. He seemed relieved, but something was still going on in there.

“Do I have to tell you again?” Conor smiled trying to lighten the mood and Jack responded with a small one too.

“No. I get it. Thanks. I just…”

“C’mon Jack. We’re good you know that. All the things we’ve been through. I’m dealing with _you_ and the doctor is dealing with the private stuff. We’ve been over this before.”

It’s been awhile since they had that conversation, a few days after the assault, and Conor hoped that hey would never find themselves in a situation where they needed to remind each other of that.

“I know. It’s not it.” Jack bit his lip shortly before he continued. “I’m putting too much on you. Like last time.”

“This isn’t about m…”

“But it is.” Jack broke in, sounding secure about what he was saying, so Conor didn’t try again. “You didn’t sleep all night and you’re jetlagged. I need your help, I know that. I also know that when I’m freaking out I’m not aware of how much I’m freaking _you_ out.”

“Jack, I’m…” Conor shifted and tried to speak, but Jack didn’t let him.

“Let me say this. Okay?”

Conor gave up on defending his sanity and relaxed his hands holding Jack’s.

“I want you to call Joe. Ask if he will come over and spend the night.”

Conor didn’t see that one coming. Jack was never keen on exposing himself to more people than absolutely necessary. Joe did know almost everything about the assault and the phobia, but he still didn’t know about this case.

“You sure?”

“Yeah.” Jack nodded determined. “I don’t want him in the room when… when she’s there, but I’ll feel better knowing that you have someone here too. You can tell him about the things you won’t tell me.”

“Jack…”

“Conor… After the assault it took you almost half a year to tell me how scared _you_ had been that day. You told Joe earlier. I’m not angry, either. I know you had to make sure I was okay first. I just want you to be able to sleep tonight.”

Conor always got amazed and a little confused when Jack had moments of clarity like this He was so observant, always had been, come to think about it. In this case and after the car-accident, it had some as such a huge contrast to the terrified Jack, who couldn’t handle thinking about anything but getting away.

“You absolutely sure about this? You know, I could just talk to him on the phone.”

“I am sure.” Jack let go of Conor’s hands and placed his plate back on his lap. “Besides you won’t call him at three am when you can’t sleep, we both know that.”

Conor figured, this was end of discussion.

“Okay.” Conor smiled and took his plate too. “I’ll call him after we eat.”

* * *

That phone call must have been the weirdest Conor had ever made. Asking Joe to come over to play safety net and probably stay up all night so Conor could sleep, without scaring the poor guy shitless, hadn’t been easy. But the end result was that Joe was coming over at around nine pm and would stay till after the procedure, he still didn’t know what was about, or till Jack kicked him out. Whatever came first.

The evening had gone well, if Conor hadn’t known, it would almost look like a normal evening, with three friends paying videogames and talking about nothing important. After quite a few games Jack got silent. He retracted to the couch with his laptop and Conor and Joe decided to give him some room. Conor had trouble keeping his eyes open, so they decided on a card game at the dining room table.

Jack had been on his laptop for almost two hours when Joe and Conor noticed that he was nodding off. They shared a look that told Conor that they better go to bed now. It was one am, and Annie would be there at nine in the morning.

“Jack. You’re better of sleeping in you bed. It’s over midnight.”

Jack looked up. He was a greyish shade of white and his eyes was almost not open. “I don’t think I can sleep just yet.”

“You’re already sleeping bro. C’mon get ready and turn in.”

Jack reluctantly got up and went to the bathroom. Ten minutes later he appeared in the doorway. Looking down and not moving anything but his legs, he walked to his room.

Joe and Conor had head Jack in the hallway and Conor stood up to follow. Joe stopped him and with a hand on his shoulder, turned him around.

“You need sleep. Possibly more than Jack.”

“I’ll sleep when he does.” Conor tried to move again but Joe didn’t let him.

“What kept you up last night?”

“Are we really doing this now? Joe you saw him. I’m not sure he’s getting blood to his brain.”

“Yes. Right now. Jack can’t hear us, and we’ll be in there soon. I don’t know what _this_ is, but I know he can’t do this without you, and right now you’re setting yourself op for a panic attack or for passing out. So, what’s keeping you up?”

Conor sighed. He needed to be with Jack right now, god knows what state he’s in, in there. The only way to get there fast was to answer.

“I just couldn’t relax. My mind kept running a hundred miles an hour and when I wasn’t second-guessing everything I’d done or said, I was listening to hear if he was awake.”

Joe looked like he needed a second to comprehend what was just blasted at him, and Conor took advantage.

“Can I go in there now?” He turned and walked to the door. Joe caught up and grabbed him by the arm.

“Okay. Listen. Jack is standing. He’d had a good day. There’s no need to think that you did anything wrong. If you want, I’ll call that doctor and she’ll most definitely tell you the same thing.”

Conor remembered Annie hauling him out of the panic attack at the hospital, two years ago, and practically yelling at him that he’d done everything right. It was the same look she’d had on her face when she left last night. Conor shook his head at Joe’s proposal and conjured up a small smile.

“Jack sat watch with me when I was having nightmares. I can sit with him one night, while you get some sleep. I’ll wake you if he wakes up and I’ll wake you before the doctor comes. Deal?”

Joe hadn’t really made it sound like a question that could be answered with anything but yes, and Conor did feel a little better about the day before. He nodded and turned to Jack’s room.

“Okay. But I’m staying till he sleeps.”

* * *

Jack was sitting up, leaning against the headboard. Staring empty at his hands, fiddling with the bed-cover in his lap.

Conor pulled a chair up to the side of the bed and sat down. “Jack lay down you need sleep.”

“When will she be here tomorrow? You just said in the morning.”

“At nine. You should really get some sleep before then.”

Jack laid down and pulled the cover to his chin. “You should too.”

“I know.” Conor looked at an uncomfortable Joe standing at the end of the bed, but there was no doubt that the agreement was still in place. “I will. As soon as you sleep, I’ll turn in too. Joe’ll stay with you.”

Jack looked at Joe and nodded. Conor expected Jack to argue against havening someone watch him sleep, but even though they hadn’t talked about it earlier, it seemed like Jack knew it was going to go down like that.

Five minutes later Jack was still rigid and pale. Joe had sat down in the chair across the room, and Conor was starting to nod off.

“Conor, go to bed.” Joe was whispering right next to him.

Conor looked at his brother, eyes still open but not really looking at anything. “When he sleeps.”

Joe sighed and squatted down to be at eye-level. “What if he doesn’t? You still need sleep. I’ll stay.”

Conor nodded off mid-conversation.

“Conor. Please. You’re sleeping soon anyway.”

Conor leaned over slowly, and brushed Jack’s hair back. “Are you okay? Will you be okay?”

Jack nodded and Conor couldn’t tell if it was tiredness or nervousness that restrained his brother’s smile. He had to give in. He knew that he had to get some sleep, preferably in a bed before morning, especially if Jack didn’t get any. He got up slowly and pulled out the chair for Joe to sit on.

Before he left the room, he made one last turn to check, and saw Joe offering Jack his hand, and Jack taking it.


	8. Mental case

“Conor… Conor?”

The bright light in the hallway surrounded Joe’s silhouette in the open door.

“Conor. It’s half past seven.”

Conor sat up and rubbed his eyes. “I’m up. Is Jack awake?”

Joe turned on the light in the guest room and took a step inside. “He’s sleeping. He fell asleep around four.”

Conor quickly did the math in his head.

“So, he was just lying there like that for over three hours?” Jack must have thought a million things in that time. He had to have thought the situation over at least a hundred times.

Joe nodded and came in and closed the door silently behind him.

“He’s scared, but it’s not like after the car crash. He’s not fighting it.”

“I know. The day before yesterday, he did a little, but he even though he wasn’t sure what was about to happen he knew he had to do it. Now, he knows exactly what he has to do, and I guess he’s mentally preparing himself. I’m just not sure that’s easier on him.”

There was always that little voice in the back of Conor’s mind that kept asking if this is the time Jack closes up and they can’t bring him back. Logically he knew it wouldn’t happen, Jack has conquered too much to let this beat him, but the voice always came back when Jack didn’t talk and Conor wasn’t sure what to do.

“How about we get breakfast ready before we wake him? I guess it’s best he sleeps through most of the waiting.” Joe was already headed to the kitchen before Conor could answer.

* * *

“Jack? Are you awake?”

Conor sat down on the chair next to Jack’s bed. Jack opened his eyes and just for a second, he seemed like he’d forgot about everything, but then it clearly hit him, and he withdrew himself and pulled the cover to his chin.

“Jack. Calm down. Noting is happening yet. I just came to ask if you wanted to eat before Annie gets here.”

Jack shook his head and looked into the mattress.

“Look, Jack. I know this is tough on you, but I need you to make me a deal.” As Jack didn’t react but Conor was sure he’d heard him, he continued. “When I ask you something, I need you to answer. I need you to answer with words, explain it to me. It’s important that I know how to help, and I can’t do that if I don’t know how you’re doing.”

Jack took a few seconds, fiddling with the edge of the cover. “Okay. I’ll talk.”

“Thanks. Now, are you sure you don’t want to eat anything?”

Jack nodded but stopped himself. “I’m sure. Feel a bit nauseous.”

“Okay. You’ll eat later. Just tell me if the nausea get’s worse. Anything you need?”

Jack sat op in bed, feet on the floor. “No thanks. I’ll get dressed.”

“Okay. Joe and I are in the kitchen, come in when you’re ready.”

Conor left his brother to get dressed. When he joined Joe at the table he was happy to tell him that Jack was talking. White as a sheet, but still very much in control of himself.

* * *

Jack had joined the boys but hadn’t eaten. Neither of them pushed it. It could wait till after. The three of them was in the couch with their phones, sharing a rare silence between them, when the doorbell rang.

Jack recoiled, like he was trying to disappear between the couch cushions, his eyes locked frantic at Joe. Joe put an arm around him and nodded to Conor who reluctantly went to open the door.

A few sentences were shared between him and the doctor before they both came into the living room.

“Good morning.” She shook Joe’s hand and squatted down in front of him and Jack.

“Hey, Jack. I think you and Conor should go to your room, and I’ll come when you’re ready. Okay?”

Jack pushed himself closer to Joe and Joe held a bit tighter before he let go and looked at Jack.

“Do you want me to leave the apartment, and come back after?”

Conor could see Jack thinking it over. Would he be comfortable if Joe could hear him? He cried loudly and almost screamed two days ago. Joe had seen him at his worst after the accident but still.

“No, I’ll like you to stay. Just… just don’t come in okay?”

“Sure thing. I don’t need to know, remember?”

Jack nodded and smiled timid at his friend. Conor came over and took his little brother’s hand. “C’mon. Let’s get this over with.”

All four of them stood up and Conor put an arm around Jack’s shoulder and he walked zombie-like with him into the bedroom.

Conor put the towel on the bed just like before and stood still waiting for Jack to make a move.

“In your own time.”

“Just a second.” Jack was whispering, his hands had started shaking and his breathing was being controlled carefully.

A few deep breaths later Jack came over to the bed placed his knees on the mattress, making sure the feet were just over the edge.

“Do you want to put your head on my legs again?” Conor had kept his distance, so far, and let Jack do everything without crowding him.

The kneeling boy looked at his hand’s and then nodded. “Yeah, thanks.”

Conor could hear the lump in Jack’s throat and quickly got himself positioned in the middle of the bed, he took his brother’s hand and brushed over it with the other. “You’re doing great.”

Jack placed his head and chest on Conor’s thigs and let his bum fall to his heels. Conor instantly started rubbing his back in big slow strokes up and down his spine. Jack shifted a bit and moved his hands under his chest, and Conor felt them holing on to his thigh.

“How’re you holding up?”

Jack took a few deep breaths in through the nose. “I’m okay… I’m nauseous and dizzy, but I’m okay.”

Conor’s pantleg was getting damp and with Jack’s first sniffle, the older brother’s lungs emptied, and he had to concentrate hard to get them reset. He moved his hand through the blond hair and Jack turned his head so hi once again looked straight into Conor’s t-shirt.

“Can we do this now?” Even though he was clearly scared and crying, apart from a little tremor, Jack’s voice was calm and controlled.

“Yeah, let’s get I over with.” Conor pulled the sheet over Jack’s body and called Annie, just loud enough that she would hear, but not too loud. He didn’t want to surprise Jack with anything at this point.

Jack tensed when Annie came in. Her praise of how well he was doing didn’t seem to register.

“Jack. You know how this goes, and you can do it. Let’s do this faster today. I’ll tell you everything I’m doing, but I won’t wait unless you tell me to. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Conor was amazed how his brother was handling this. Yes, he was crying and yes, his breathing was getting faster and shallower for every minute, but his words came out with determination.

Annie lifted up the sheet and moved his pants down, telling him everything before doing it. She put on cloves and Jack’s grip on Conor’s thigh tightened.

“Jack. Before we continue, I have to check how much the earlier injections have helped so I’m just going to feel inside with a finger.”

“Wait!”

Jack lifted his head and tried to sit up, but Conor hushed him and slowly pushed him down again. “Shh. She’s waiting when you tell her. Take a second and tell us what’s going on.”

Jack gasped for air but quickly calmed himself enough, so he could speak.

“Please, I can’t. Last time…”

“Jack, sweetie.” Annie had sat back, respecting Jack’s wish for a break. “The last time you spasmed after squeezing, remember? You won’t be doing that now, and it was before treatment too. It won’t hurt this time.”

“Please, Conor. It hurts. It’s like being stabbed with a knife up there.” Jack looked more sad than scared, but Conor could hear his voice shaking.

Conor looked at Annie. “You sure it won’t be like last time?”

“I am. Just by looking, I can see a lot of the tension have been relieved. He won’t spasm. I need to check to make sure that this is the last time, we have to do this.”

Conor hadn’t considered that this might have to be done more times, and by the looks of it, neither had Jack. He was sobbing now. His face was turned down and pressed into Conor’s leg.

“No… nono… no…”

“Shh. Jack. One step, remember. Let her check first before we freak out.”

Conor massaged Jack’s head under the thick hair and rubbed big circles on his back, and watch Jack slowly get it together again. Eventually, he nodded, but pressed hi face harder into Conor’s thigh.

Jack tensed up as Annie touched him with the lube and even more when she announced that she would go ahead with the finger. Apparently, she was content with Jack’s ability to relax at least a part of his body because only moments after she was changing gloves.

“It’s good news, Jack. Really good news.” The tone in Annie’s voice was lighter, and Conor was relieved to find that he trusted this to be over soon. “This will be the last time, you’re responding well and because of that, the tear can be repaired with ointment over the next few weeks.”

Conor felt Jack’s hands loosen almost completely and he stopped sobbing. The grip tightened soon though, as Annie cleaned the lube and washed the area with disinfectant. Jack didn’t tell her to wait when she informed him about it, he didn’t jolt when she touched him. But when she told him that the first injection was coming his turned his head to Conor’s stomach again and pressed his face deep in his t-shirt. Conor cradled his head and hushed him as he silently cried.

When the liquid was injected Jack stopped breathing and pulled himself further over Conor’s lap to get away.

“Shh. Jack move slow… That’s it. The first one is done. Breathe.” Conor pressed lightly on Jack to get him back to starting position, and slowly Jack. Followed.

Annie placed a hand on top of the sheet on the small of his back and helped him get down again. “It’s alright. You did great. You can move a little, Jack. Just go slow. One more and I’ll leave I promise.”

When the liquid from the next shot was injected, Jack gasped loudly but managed to keep breathing and only arc his back slowly.

As soon as it was over Annie covered him with his pants and Conor threw the sheet down over him. Jack himself didn’t move. He’d stopped crying almost immediately but before Annie had left the room he started panting uncontrollably.

“Jack. It’s over. Calm down.” Conor took his brother by the shoulders and lifted him up so he was sitting upright, bum still on his heels. “You’re hyperventilating. Look at me. It’s over.”

Jack looked at Conor and held on to his forearms and nodded.

“No. Jack not good enough. I need words.”

“I… I was… It was too much. I was scared.”

“I know.” Conor moved closer and pulled Jack in for a hug and felt his bothers head lean heavily on his shoulder. “I know, but you did it and it’s over now. No more.”

“No more.” Jack whispered so softly that Conor wouldn’t have heard it if he hadn’t been right next to his ear.

Jack let go first. He looked at Conor, nodded and smiled. “Thanks, Conor.”

“Are you okay now?”

Jack laid himself down on the bed. “I’m good. Still a bit nauseous though. Do you mind if I skip breakfast altogether today?”

Conor smiled and covered his brother with the sheet. Jack was clothed and probably didn’t need it but it made Conor feel better.

“Its all good. See if you can sleep some, and then come join me and Joe when you’re ready.”

* * *

When Jack joined them two hours later, Conor had checked on him four times already. He’d been sleeping every time.

“You okay?” Conor straightened his back and turned around.

“I’m okay. Thank you, guys.”

“No need to. We’re here.” Conor moved over and made room for Jack.

“I know. That’s why I’m thanking you.” Jack smiled as he sat down and knocked Conor on the shoulder. “I’m a mess. I know that, and sometimes I forget that you guys are too, so I feel weird asking for help.”

“Hey!” Joe looked angry and hurt. “Don’t you ever forget how big of a mental case I am.”

They all laughed. Jack had clearly slept well and was ready to bounce right back, like he knew he would, like he’d done before.

They _were_ all messes after what had happened these two and a half years, but at least they were dealing, and at least they were able to let the embarrassing things go and hold on to what made them closer.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the last in this series. Don't worry I'm not abandoning the guys, or their friends. I'm working on a Joe/Jack (Joeck) piece right now, and I'm always happy to write from prompts.   
> Ask in the comments or on Tumblr: its-me-theicequeen


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